The guards later claimed Adam and Eve slipped through a crack in the wall and was running for their life.
Saturday, 31 July 2010
Powerpoint
Adam & Eve ate the apple and god was pleased, now he could make them watch his his 165 slide powerpoint presentation on obedience.
Friday, 30 July 2010
Wheely Bag people
Today's cloud sponsored by people with wheely bags... because if you had the power of Zeus you would to.
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Wit for tat
"Wit for tat"1
JAKism
1. Act of being witty when faced by someone trying to subdue, impress or belittle you by using big words
JAKism
1. Act of being witty when faced by someone trying to subdue, impress or belittle you by using big words
Wednesday, 28 July 2010
Cows
Cows, you better watch them.. its just a matter of time till they decide to stop being cute and become militant aggressive activists that want their diary products back
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
Measure Man
To measure a man, measure his heart....
but be sure it's an enemy as I find that ripping a man's heart from his chest to measure it's size, shape and weight, tends to leave said man in a non living state.
JAKism
but be sure it's an enemy as I find that ripping a man's heart from his chest to measure it's size, shape and weight, tends to leave said man in a non living state.
JAKism
Monday, 26 July 2010
First Day
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, unless you wake up with a hangover, then tomorrow is be the first day of the rest of your life.
JAKism
JAKism
Sunday, 25 July 2010
Incy Wincy Spider
Lin: The incy wincy spider went up the water spout...
JAK: down came the acid rain and burnt his legs right out...
Lin: Up comes the sun and burns his legs some more?
JAK: so the incy wincy spider just lies there on the floor... legless.... again...
Lin: Out came the duck and screwed poor little spider back together again...
Alex: this is a rather twisted rhyme! Attention children: DO NOT READ!
JAK: but it was an unlicensed duck and the spiders legs fell of while climbing the water spout. So kids, let that be a lesson... ensure your screwing ducks has a license.
Lin: At least the icy wincy spider ain't gonna bother me no more!
JAK: But… did you know... he had a twin brother... Duh Duh Duuuuuhh...
Dorota: Omg this is the funniest most random conversatioin, you both just made my day!
Lin: Ah I wouldn't be surprised if he had triplets or quadruplets. They breed like rabbits those spiders they do.
JAK: ah but rabbits cant climb up spouts and even then they wont fit, well.. you can force then through but i find that just creates a bloody bunny mess...
Lin: And we cant have a bunny stuck up a spout now can we! Bunny omelette?
JAK: down came the acid rain and burnt his legs right out...
Lin: Up comes the sun and burns his legs some more?
JAK: so the incy wincy spider just lies there on the floor... legless.... again...
Lin: Out came the duck and screwed poor little spider back together again...
Alex: this is a rather twisted rhyme! Attention children: DO NOT READ!
JAK: but it was an unlicensed duck and the spiders legs fell of while climbing the water spout. So kids, let that be a lesson... ensure your screwing ducks has a license.
Lin: At least the icy wincy spider ain't gonna bother me no more!
JAK: But… did you know... he had a twin brother... Duh Duh Duuuuuhh...
Dorota: Omg this is the funniest most random conversatioin, you both just made my day!
Lin: Ah I wouldn't be surprised if he had triplets or quadruplets. They breed like rabbits those spiders they do.
JAK: ah but rabbits cant climb up spouts and even then they wont fit, well.. you can force then through but i find that just creates a bloody bunny mess...
Lin: And we cant have a bunny stuck up a spout now can we! Bunny omelette?
Saturday, 24 July 2010
Friday, 23 July 2010
Be Witty
When in doubt, be witty.
When scared, be witty.
When stressed, be witty.
When happy, be witty.
When confronted in a dark alley by a masked man with a knife, don't be witty. However do ask yourself what the hell you are doing in a dark alley. You should have been in bed hours ago.
JAKism
When scared, be witty.
When stressed, be witty.
When happy, be witty.
When confronted in a dark alley by a masked man with a knife, don't be witty. However do ask yourself what the hell you are doing in a dark alley. You should have been in bed hours ago.
JAKism
Thursday, 22 July 2010
Stupid Questions
There are no stupid questions, why blame a question for the person who asks its stupidity?
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
10th circle of hell
Dante never realised there was a 10th circle of Hell, Its the Devil's boardroom where never ending meetings are held with little triangle sandwiches and eternal PowerPoint with pie charts...
JAKism
JAKism
Sunday, 18 July 2010
Conversational Rocks
Sometimes I see conversational rocks, but pass them buy. They only have gravel on their mind...
JAKism
JAKism
Friday, 16 July 2010
A Present
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift, that is why it's called a present." by Alice Morse Earle
"... but its never the present you wanted and you cant find the receipt so you can't take it back to the store unless the store allows exchanges but then it will be history and you have to wait for the next present while keeping your fingers crossed hoping its not wrapped in purple. Or in orange."
"... but its never the present you wanted and you cant find the receipt so you can't take it back to the store unless the store allows exchanges but then it will be history and you have to wait for the next present while keeping your fingers crossed hoping its not wrapped in purple. Or in orange."
JAKism
Thursday, 15 July 2010
World State
Sometime I sit and think of the state of the world, war, hunger, poverty, Gordon Brown and other times, I just think I need a double cheese with fries and a coke.
JAKism
JAKism
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Fred
This is Fred, or more commonly known as cloud12.jpg and he wants to be your friend.
He likes leisurely drifts and frosty days.
He dislikes high altitude winds and Kylie Minogue.
No Cure
There is still no cure for the sexually transmitted disease called life, those who have it still face a 100% chance of it being fatal.
JAKism
JAKism
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
DIY Love
Love is like DIY, you cant bother reading the instructions and end up with bits left over, when you do try to read it you realise its in japanese.
JAKism
JAKism
Goat's, Troll's and a Conversational rock
[09:18:15] Jemma: I wanted to ask you about loading something onto the intranet, it might be more relevant to laxmi?
[09:18:25] JAK: intranet???
[09:18:31] JAK: i know nothing about the intranet
[09:18:48] Jemma: yeah you do you are the guru!
[09:19:09] JAK: nope i came down from the mountain
[09:19:22] JAK: i found that the high altitude and the thong didnt mix
[09:19:29] JAK: kept getting weird rashes
[09:19:38] Jemma: oh crap, that's not so good huh
[09:19:50] Jemma: are you some kind of montain goat?
[09:20:17] JAK: there was goats yes
[09:20:26] JAK: but i found them poor conversation
[09:20:39] JAK: however i did find a particular rock that was very chatty
[09:21:13] Jemma: you see I have always found goats have a better sense of humour..
[09:21:58] JAK: yea they did, till i started chewing one of their legs
[09:22:13] JAK: then they turned nasty
[09:22:28] JAK: so i hit it with the conversationalist rock
[09:22:28] Jemma: thanks for the warning I will remember that
[09:22:37] Jemma: I bet that did the trick?
[09:23:09] JAK: yea but then the troll became very upset because now there was one less goat to cross his bridge
[09:23:21] JAK: so i reminded him they always tricked him in anyway
[09:23:32] JAK: then he was cool with that....
[09:23:43] JAK: he showed me some pictures of this kids..
[09:23:49] JAK: who know troll babies can be so ugly
[09:24:24] Jemma: I think they are more on the cute side myself
[09:24:59] JAK: naah never been a fan of troll babies...
[09:25:06] JAK: but then again you should see my cousins
[09:25:12] JAK: sometimes i shudder
[09:25:25] JAK: wouldnt want to meet them in a dark alley
[09:25:30] JAK: well not without a big stick
[09:27:50] Jemma: I think you could give JK Rowling a run for her money
[09:29:15] JAK: she has a lot of money
[09:29:19] JAK: bt seriously...
[09:29:33] JAK: intranet is a sore point
[09:29:52] JAK: i dont really get involved as its sharepoint
[09:30:02] JAK: and its a bit wonkey donkey on a mac
[09:30:19] Jemma: ]:)
[09:30:23] JAK: plus its microsoft and bill gates is the anti-christ
[09:30:44] JAK: or a goat
[09:30:53] JAK: i always get the two mixed up
[09:31:20] JAK: thats why im banned from the petting zoo
[09:31:34] JAK: they dont want me to run around shouting "APOCALYPSE"
[09:31:57] Jemma: I don't blame them, don't want you going around throwing conversationalist rocks around
[09:32:21] JAK: yea... as they are hard to come by
[09:18:25] JAK: intranet???
[09:18:31] JAK: i know nothing about the intranet
[09:18:48] Jemma: yeah you do you are the guru!
[09:19:09] JAK: nope i came down from the mountain
[09:19:22] JAK: i found that the high altitude and the thong didnt mix
[09:19:29] JAK: kept getting weird rashes
[09:19:38] Jemma: oh crap, that's not so good huh
[09:19:50] Jemma: are you some kind of montain goat?
[09:20:17] JAK: there was goats yes
[09:20:26] JAK: but i found them poor conversation
[09:20:39] JAK: however i did find a particular rock that was very chatty
[09:21:13] Jemma: you see I have always found goats have a better sense of humour..
[09:21:58] JAK: yea they did, till i started chewing one of their legs
[09:22:13] JAK: then they turned nasty
[09:22:28] JAK: so i hit it with the conversationalist rock
[09:22:28] Jemma: thanks for the warning I will remember that
[09:22:37] Jemma: I bet that did the trick?
[09:23:09] JAK: yea but then the troll became very upset because now there was one less goat to cross his bridge
[09:23:21] JAK: so i reminded him they always tricked him in anyway
[09:23:32] JAK: then he was cool with that....
[09:23:43] JAK: he showed me some pictures of this kids..
[09:23:49] JAK: who know troll babies can be so ugly
[09:24:24] Jemma: I think they are more on the cute side myself
[09:24:59] JAK: naah never been a fan of troll babies...
[09:25:06] JAK: but then again you should see my cousins
[09:25:12] JAK: sometimes i shudder
[09:25:25] JAK: wouldnt want to meet them in a dark alley
[09:25:30] JAK: well not without a big stick
[09:27:50] Jemma: I think you could give JK Rowling a run for her money
[09:29:15] JAK: she has a lot of money
[09:29:19] JAK: bt seriously...
[09:29:33] JAK: intranet is a sore point
[09:29:52] JAK: i dont really get involved as its sharepoint
[09:30:02] JAK: and its a bit wonkey donkey on a mac
[09:30:19] Jemma: ]:)
[09:30:23] JAK: plus its microsoft and bill gates is the anti-christ
[09:30:44] JAK: or a goat
[09:30:53] JAK: i always get the two mixed up
[09:31:20] JAK: thats why im banned from the petting zoo
[09:31:34] JAK: they dont want me to run around shouting "APOCALYPSE"
[09:31:57] Jemma: I don't blame them, don't want you going around throwing conversationalist rocks around
[09:32:21] JAK: yea... as they are hard to come by
Monday, 12 July 2010
Opportunity Knocks
When opportunity knocks, be sure to ask for ID, references and if possible frisk it for Weapons*
JAKism
*I find that keeping a small hand held metal detector in my bag useful for rogue opportunities
JAKism
*I find that keeping a small hand held metal detector in my bag useful for rogue opportunities
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Life Lemons
When life gives you lemons, make sure to stock up on Tequila and salt directly proportional to amount of lemons.
Handy formula for determining amount of tequila to be bought:
(lemons given by life * slice per lemon) * (Shots of Tequila / shots per bottle*) = Amount of Tequila to buy
JAKism
*If life give you a SERIOUS amount of lemons, it might be worth buying bulk packs or bigger value Tequila bottles
Handy formula for determining amount of tequila to be bought:
(lemons given by life * slice per lemon) * (Shots of Tequila / shots per bottle*) = Amount of Tequila to buy
JAKism
*If life give you a SERIOUS amount of lemons, it might be worth buying bulk packs or bigger value Tequila bottles
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Closing doors
For every door that closes a new one opens. I suspect a window was left open and the resulting airpreasure change when a door closes causes another to pop open. Try locking the doors or close the window
JAKism
JAKism
Friday, 9 July 2010
Love Ocean
Love is like the ocean, it varies from deep to shallow, mild to stormy and always dependant on the tides and moon...
JAKism
JAKism
Bannana's
...because sometimes, all you just want out of life is to know who ate all the Bananna's...
JAKisms
JAKisms
Thursday, 8 July 2010
Enough Thought
If you refused to be questioned or get upset about being questioned about why you believe what you believe, then you haven't given your belief enough thought.
JAKisms
JAKisms
Buzzing Fly
Life is like a fly buzzing against the window and ends with you being squashed by a giant newspaper...
JAKisms
JAKisms
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